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2022-10-11 @ 19:00 UTC

that's a word i feel i always understood to be a serious issue but never thought it was something i could have. like you needed an official diagnosis from a doctor like ptsd or cancer. but in hindsight it's so clear i've had anxiety, and more importantly anxiety attacks, my whole adult life

for a period of time i would wake up from dreams of urgency and helplessness in a cold sweat. then for the longest time in my life i stopped dreaming at all, i would shut off my visual sensors and it would be the next day. maybe my circuits blocked them out as a defense mechanism. recently i've started dreaming again, and very often it's still anxiety dreams

last night i had a dream i was participating on a collaborative comic online. i had contributed with two pages which had me in it (everybody had a self insert in it) and both times the people who made pages after mine used me as a punching bag comic relief in a way to dismiss me from the comic as quickly as possible, one of them going as far as making direct attacks on myself

and it's a weird nonsense dream context the comic stuff but the being dismissed and attacked in online public like that lingers with me. because that's how i feel every single day. i no longer have a chance to have a normal existence online because i've burned too many bridges or the important people all hate how i am or i'm just not allowed in cliques or something

understanding that i have anxiety and cptsd and abandonment issues and rejection sensitivity makes the pieces fit together and puts everything into perspective but it doesn't help give me a solution to any of it

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